Saturday, August 19, 2006

Day 4

Fight is over.

We also gave each other a night of fun. Going out together has been very scarce lately, but so refreshing when we do it. I wish we could go back to how we were, but it does not make me nervous. If he walks the right road, it will come in time. If he does not fix this problem then I won’t want to go back anyway.

I like the fact that we can still have fun. I like the fact that we don’t have to be all over each other after a huge fight. The way ups and way downs make me ill when they happen so close together. I don’t like roller coasters.

But that’s what I ride as I go through my week. I have been better at reading him and his mood. I can tell when he will be getting drunk so at least now I can prepare myself for it. Much like the ticking sound you hear on your climb up that first peak before your car goes swooping to the bottom of the track.

But tonight was easy and light. Tonight was laughing and “Oh, look at that!” Sometimes I forget that we can really have fun together.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Day 3

No call, a trip to the bar and a big fight to boot.

Fighting with him can be so hard at times. When he really gets going I lose everything I wanted to say and spend most of my time explaining what I really didn’t mean to say. This means that I am constantly interrupted by him jumping to conclusions.

I did one thing at the start of this last night. I told him I didn’t want to talk about something. Since then he has lied, been late, been threatening (“if you are going to do that then I will just…” enter some stupid action here that reminds me of a child stomping their foot in a store) and just an all around ass. This was one of those fights where I can safely say I did nothing wrong. He is struggling and I am not the right target, maybe more of a safe one.

And now I feel like he reached inside of my head and squeezed the life out of my brain, quite like squeezing water from a sponge. It went something like this…

Me: Will you let me finish? I’m trying to tell you my side of things.

Him: Then tell it the right way

Me: I am. I am telling you how I feel from my own head!

Him: No, you don’t feel that way, you feel this way…

Me: No I don’t, I never said anything…

Him: Yes you did, you did say something about that!

Me: Will you let me finish my sentence? I never said anything CLOSE to that…I said this…

Him: No, that’s bull shit!

Me: It’s not…will you just let me tell my side of things?

Him: If you can tell it right.

Me: Just give me five minutes! Just five where I can tell you my side! Without you changing things!

Him: I have been. You aren’t getting to the point.

I don’t understand why he does this sometimes. It’s like he is two people. A lot of the time I can reason with him and other times it’s like I am fighting to keep my own mind…at least it used to be. Now days I come to the point where I have to sit back and look at him like he is completely crazy. But I still feel like my brain has been mixed just a bit.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Day 2

I wonder if he will make the call he said he would make. Tomorrow is the day he has stated, but then his work has extreme problems brewing and I wonder if that will be top priority. This is the one thing I have been waiting for, that phone call. If it’s so important to me and important to my relationship, why do I feel like I will understand if he does not make that call for help? Work is shit after all. That much is true.

I get tired. That is my main excuse.

On Tuesday he went out drinking. On Wednesday we talked about it. On Thursday I am so drained that I don’t even care if he goes out drunk tomorrow. Then, when I see that he has gone out I wake up, get nervous and it will be like that all night.

Sure, most nights he gets drunk and then comes home and passes out for the night. That in itself is annoying one to two times a week, but I have a reason to fear his drinking. Things have happened that both of us never thought would ever happen in our lives I am sure. Things that can’t be passed off as, “I was totally wasted man!”

So will he or won’t he? I have decided not to care and be away for most of the evening…far away. Just me, my car and Oceanlab flowing from my speakers.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Day 1

"It takes a strong person to stay."

I wonder about that comment every time it's presented to me. You would think it would be the other way around. Or at least that’s what I thought way back when I had ideals about such things. I would never be one of “those women.” In fact I remember looking down on them to some extent. I didn’t see them as particularly “strong.”

And yet, time after time I am told how strong I am by who ever I let in on this secret of mine. Some of these people don’t even know each other. I don’t feel strong and sometimes I wonder if I have ever told any of them the whole truth. Some might say if I was strong I might leave and save myself, but no one has said it to my face. It’s something I think about constantly.

What about him? He’s a drunk. He’s a binge drinker who is somewhere in-between getting help and OKing his drinking to death.